Can Empathy Be a “Bad” Thing?

by Julia Enea

An emotional growth therapist with The HEAL Institute, Julia is at home in the world of emotion. In this article she explores the vast topic of empathy and its limits. 

In my work as an Emotional Growth Guide, I help my clients hone their emotional intelligence with powerful emotional tools, like empathy, and open themselves up to the lessons they teach.

Empathy is an amazing emotional skill set. It allows us to form a connection with and relate to those around us. But do you ever find yourself a little too sensitive to other people’s needs and emotions?

Let’s take a closer look at empathy. Can empathy become “bad” (or unpleasant) with unhealthy impact on our lives?

Why is Empathy Important?

The definition of empathy according to Merriam-Webster is: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, plays a vital role in fostering human connection. When we empathize with someone, we perceive them as being similar to us, bridging the gap between ourselves and others. It creates a sense of predictability and safety within our relationships. We feel more at ease with people because we see them as one of us. Moreover, as we recognize fragments of ourselves in others, the urge for aggression fades away, as we naturally don’t harm ourselves, but rather nurture and protect our own well-being.

Recent studies show that about 10% of empathy is down to our genetic inheritance. However, most of our empathy develops as we go through different life experiences. It’s safe to say that we’re initially born only with a self-centered view of the world, perceiving things through our own senses and personal filters. But you know what’s interesting? The more varied experiences we accumulate, the better we become at understanding others. We can connect with and genuinely feel a child’s pain when they fall and get a bruise because we’ve been there too, with our fair share of childhood tumbles and bruises.

So, what causes empathy? Science has some interesting things to say about that.

The Science Behind It

There are 2 main theories that have been developed by experts in social neuroscience about what lies behind empathy.

The first of these theories is the Simulation Theory, which holds that empathy happens when we see another person experiencing an emotion and we simulate that emotion in ourselves.

This theory is supported by the scientific discovery of “mirror neurons” that fire off when a human observes emotions in another human, which appear to cause a biological mirroring effect in their own emotional experience. “Mirror neurons are a type of brain cell that respond equally when we perform an action and when we witness someone else perform the same action.”

The second theory is known as the Theory of Mind. This theory says that humans go through a cognitive thought process to explain how humans around them are feeling. We do this by developing our own theories about other’s behavior in our early childhood.

In the same vein, the research professor Brene Brown explains in her book “The Atlas of the Heart” that there are 2 elements to empathy: cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy, also called perspective taking or mentalizing, is the ability to recognize and understand another’s person’s emotions. Affective empathy, sometimes called experience sharing, is one’s own emotional attunement with another’s person’s experience.

The Downside of Empathy: When it Becomes a Problem

Being an empath (and especially affective empath) is a slippery slope to soaking up the emotions of those around you like a sponge. This can result in getting completely overloaded with other people’s feelings and being left emotionally exhausted.

When we experience emotions of others intensely, almost as if they were our own, it can lead to an extreme form of empathy known as “emotional fusion.” Emotional fusion refers to a state where the boundaries between oneself and others seem to blur or disappear, resulting in a sense of oneness or “stuck togetherness”. In fused relationships, individual choices are often sacrificed to maintain harmony within the system. Another indicator of emotional fusion is the reactive distancing when a person emotionally cuts himself or herself off from the tension of the relationship.

The tendency towards emotional fusion is often shaped in our family of origin. Many empaths, despite having a natural inclination for empathy, grew up in environments with unpredictable or unsafe adult figures. In such circumstances, being an empath becomes a coping mechanism. Individuals who experienced emotional unhealthy family dynamics become hyper-attuned to potential threats or unpredictability, thus seeking a sense of control over their environment. They learn to adapt and prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own.

Empaths deeply feel the suffering around them, both in other individuals and in society as a whole. They can’t seem to separate themselves from the pain, which can easily lead to despair and severe mental illness.

How to Recognize Overly Empathetic Behavior

1. Quickness to Help. Empathetic individuals tend to be more responsive and quicker to help others. While this is generally viewed as a positive trait, deeply feeling the emotions of others can lead to an overwhelming urge to act, often without being asked. This behavior stems from the need to alleviate negative emotions, but it may result in overstepping boundaries and interfering in others’ lives. It can also leave empathetic individuals feeling unappreciated and drained.
2. Guilt for Feeling Good. Overly empathetic individuals may feel a sense of guilt when they experience well-being or balance in the presence of others who are suffering. They may believe that it is inappropriate, cruel, or disrespectful to have any other state of mind or feeling than the people they are with. To show support and consideration, they align their own emotions with those who are in pain or grief, effectively sacrificing their own well-being.
3. Strong Resonance with Negative Emotions. In a room full of people, overly empathetic individuals often gravitate towards those experiencing difficult emotions or struggling with challenging situations. Their empathy becomes specialized in detecting and responding to low emotions, sometimes neglecting, or not paying attention to positive ones.
4. Isolation. Being overly empathetic can lead a person to ignore their own feelings, putting the needs of others ahead of their own. This can leave them feeling alone in their own experiences and isolated from other people.

5 Tips for Finding Balance in Your Empathy:

1. Wait for people to ask for your help. Rather than assuming that others need help, allow them to ask for assistance when needed. By doing so, you convey the message that individuals can take care of themselves. This approach prevents potential resentment from giving more than receiving, and maintains healthy boundaries.
2. Practice healthy distance. True love, as described by Bert Hellinger, the creator of the Family Constellation method, involves a certain degree of distance. Love is not fusion but rather respect and attentive listening. Allowing yourself to maintain a healthy emotional distance from others’ feelings enables you to support them effectively. By staying balanced, you can help others regulate their emotions without losing yourself in the process.
3. Take Time Off from Empathy. Remember you possess the power to disengage from situations that perpetuate constant unpredictability and tension. This doesn’t mean ignoring those who are struggling. Rather, it involves tuning in to individuals experiencing positive and pleasant emotions as well.
4. Ground Yourself. To maintain emotional well-being, focus on grounding yourself. Cultivate anchors and resources that promote positivity and enable you to be of service to others. Pay attention to your physical well-being, as it affects your emotional state. Stay hydrated, prioritize restful sleep, be in nature as much as you can, nourish yourself with nutritious foods (particularly vegetables), practice breathing exercises, and engage with art and beauty.
5. Practice Self-Compassion. Get into the mindset of treating yourself as a friend. How would your friend want to be treated? We can often be too hard on ourselves and forget to love ourselves.

When It Comes to Empathy, Balance is Key

Achieving emotional balance as an empath involves remaining present with others’ emotions while preserving a connection with oneself. It means avoiding becoming overwhelmed by external emotions. While empathy is crucial for fostering belonging and connection, it is equally essential to connect with your own emotions as well. Striking a delicate balance between the two allows for healthy empathy and emotional well-being in our lives. I specialise in helping my clients find balance in their emotional life. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me!

Book a session with Julia using the form on the online clinic page!